1- If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat, Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself. (…or if you’re super good at holding your breath you can always wait for it to melt)
2- Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hole the vegetables while you chop.(..or you can just buy you’re vegetables frozen, or better yet, who needs them, live on ice cream)
3- Avoid arguments about the toilet seat – use the sink.
4- For high blood pressure sufferers – simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.(…or just hire a sparkly vampire to suck your blood every now and then, that should help even more, it reduces your blood pressure and you get to turn into one and help others)
5- A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. (…and if you have any mice around you it might be the first thing you see in the morning)
6- If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.
7- You only need two tool in life – WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape. (…duct tape is also useful if you want to shut someone up, and not just for moving objects)
8- Remember – everyone seems normal until you get to know them. (…that is when you discover that they’re really idiots pretending to be normal)
9- If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem. (…and unless that electrical problem is in the wall, then throw it out the window, preferably at the idiot who’s been bugging you)
Daily thought: Some people are like slinkies – Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.